Been eating non-stop today since lunch time. Ate pasta, then dim-sum, then char siew rice, grapes, pinesapple, fries from mos burger, then chocolate cake. then curry puff from old chang kee. it seems like the term "dieting and slimming down" can't associate with me. ~wadeva~( oh~ i sound so somebody).

well, the picture above was taken off by my-not-so-reliable handphone-camera shows that you can pay your meals at macdonald via EZ-link card at Boat Quay. i'm not sure if this payment service is available at out all Mac's outlet. below is a picture of a burger made at my office. if you see xiaoqiang grew sideways, you know what's the reason.

quote this article below off TODAY webby. i simply like Mr Brown. He is so me. okay i can't write as well as he does.



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mr brown plans Troy 2: Ah-BengMemnon Returns, with Ah-Chillies in skirts. Blame it on the heat

Hot! Hot, hot, hot! This is the weather in Singapore these days. Even when it rains, it rains hot water. I check the weather report on my PDA, and it says, between 27 deg C and 33 deg C. It does not feel like 33 deg C, man! That is what happens when you take the temperature in the shade, as good weathermen do. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to walk in the #$@%&#* sun, where the temperatures are considerably higher than 33 deg C.

I believe we post these low temperatures to fool tourists into coming here.

They see the weather report on the Internet or in a newspaper, and tell themselves: "Hey, Singapore looks okay, not too hot. Let's go there!" Then, when they get here, they melt into the ground at the taxi stand just outside the airport, where the force field of air-conditioning protecting them from the plane-to-baggage-claims-to-Customs-to-the-arrival-hall ends.

Some of them survive long enough to get into the aircon cab, but they usually wilt at the entrance to the aircon hotel.

The easiest way to hurt us, I think, is not with military might or with economic sanctions. No, all one need do is stop us from getting any more aircons. It would stop our country cold.

In ancient Greece, there was no aircon too. Look what happened to that empire. Now, tourists visit Athens to see the ruins of the Parthenon. You can tell there was no aircon in ancient Greece from examining the extensive archaeological evidence we have today — like watching the movie Troy.

In this movie, there are a lot of sweaty men (no aircon!) wearing skirts, who fight each other a lot and — sometimes — stare meaningfully into each other's eyes ... just like they do in The Lord of the Rings, except that in the trilogy, they are short little hobbits.

Troy the movie, is based on a very ancient piece of work by Homer (no, not the guy from Simpsons) in 800 BC. It is known as an epic poem, which means it is very long and boring; and sometimes it does not even rhyme. Despite this, it is a significant piece of literature because it is now a compulsory school text and students have to take an exam on it. That is how you know a book or a poem is important or inspiring.

I am a little upset because if only this movie had come out during my literature exam, I would have scored an A*.

Some have argued that the movie is not very faithful to the book, but it has Brad Pitt in it — and he shows his backside a lot. That has to count for something. I know my wife and a few other friends' wives went to watch Troy for the less-than-cultural reason of seeing Pitt sulk and smoulder, while showing off his ass. We men, of course, were watching it for its historical and literary significance. Also, we heard, it has a few chio bu (hot chicks) and some really good fight scenes.

I think the Singapore film industry should try to make a sequel of this. But, it should localise it, like West Side Story did for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare, by the way, is another famous "A" level writer.

We could call this movie sequel Troy 2: Ah-BengMemnon Returns. It would feature the beautiful Ah-Lian of Troy, who runs away with Legolas, the angmoh sissy son of King Prime.

It starts a gang war, where Ah-Lian's towkay husband Ah-BengMemnon sends 1,000 ships and his best fighter Ah-Chillies to sack Troy, which is in Aljunied GRC (redrawn recently to cover the estates of Aljunied, Hougang, Eunos, Kembangan, Punggol, Paya Lebar and, now, Troy).

"Was this the face that launched a thousand ships?" asks Ah-Chillies of Ah-Lian of Troy, "Why? The ships see already so scared, ah?"

Ah-Chillies is the best fighter of Greece, and he has this one killer move where he jumps and stabs you in the back of the neck. No one has yet figured out how to counter it, even though everyone has seen him do it countless times.

All his opponents are always caught by surprise when he does his killer move.

He is the one they always send to hunt down robbers who escape into nearby islands of Greece, while the rest of the army looks after the ships.

The 1,000 ships, with not enough parking space and coupons, have to park at Pulau Tekong and Pulau Ubin. Some get stuck in a jam at Kallang and the ECP, because Nicoll Highway is closed. But mostly, the ships get stuck because they have no wheels to travel on land and the ERP gantries are too low for their sails.

A lot of fighting ensues. In the end, because they run out of extras, Ah-BengMemnon's army sends in a big wooden horse (made by the lowest bidder in a tender), filled with soldiers inside who were almost dying from the Singapore heat (no aircon!) and each other's body odour.

The people of Troy think the horse (or goat, they could not tell ... scapegoat?) is a sacrificial offering and park it at the multi-storey car park. All the enemy soldiers come out at night and — needing more skirts to wear — raid the shopping centres, which are glad to cater to the "Pink Dollar".

I think it will be a hit, my movie idea. I hope to get some funding for it. That is why I have not made any short films about the censorship board. I want to be immortal, be famous for my edgy, menacing films.

"Let no man forget how menacing we are!" I will declare menacingly. Did I mention that I am menacing?

"Immortality, take it, it's yours!" will be my battle cry. I will not be an individualistic and soft young Singaporean. I will be a tough and hungry middle-aged Singaporean.

But first, I need my aircon.

--mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. He wants Brad Pitt to play him if they ever make a movie about his life. But minus the skirt.--

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