love = infatuation ? [part 2/3]

xiaoqiang says: This is part 2 of the story for love = infatuation? . at times of our life, there will be one/ several crisis period where we thought the entire world has turned its back on us. and at this particular time, if someone walks in, he/she will appear walking with grace, with a pair of angel wings. his/ her helping hand is a great lift for us. a lift from what we thought a divided world. and our vulnerable souls is so much attracted to him/ her. we might thought he/she is the one for us. but often, we are blinded with the feathers of false and hurt ourselves again; just to pick ourselves up by ourselves. how ironic it is. hmph~!

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singapore true love stories - love = infatuation ? [part 2/3]

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..continue from the post on 15 Feb 2004

All this while, I treated him as a friend, firstly is because I know he has a girlfriend and I am attached as well. Secondly, the thought of him being special never crossed my mind. However, things started to change during the end of October. I was having the roughest time and my relationship was going down the drain. This guy became the pillar of my life. As deadlines for our projects get nearer the more time we spend with each other. We were so close that people in our class thought that we will end up being together. Things got really cosy to the point that I have access to his hall room anytime when I wanna take a nap. After all the deadlines, exams were a week away and we decided to study together.

At that time, I was having problems with my family as well as my parents do not understand why I have to stay up late studying. Worst, my place was like a war zone. My neighbour’s house was being torn down and in the process of being rebuilt; there were upgrading of the drains and the roads going on around my place. I get awakened every morning with drillings, rumblings of tractors or trembling of the earth from the pilings going on. Knowing all this, H offered to let me stay over at his hall if I need some peaceful studying and sleep place. Well, I stayed over a couple of times before when I was doing my project but it was always with another friend. Than one day I had such a bad tiff with my mum I decided that I need my own space so I asked him whether I can stay over for a few nights.

It was great studying with him. Super productive and when there are things that I do not understand he is always able to explain. We had a great time studying, talking crap when we are having our breaks and there were always so much laughter. Than one night, sparks flew… and things got complicated.

At that time, I thought I was just vulnerable, but I know I am a person who knows my feelings well and I know this guy is special. As the relationship between H and myself got more complicated by the day, I was facing a lot of confusion and it was distracting me from my studies. We were always acting as if there is nothing happening between the both of us. Worst, he does not talk about his feelings regarding all that has happened between the two of us. Thus, leaving me in total confusion and uncertainty. Who am I to him? What am I to him? (Well… not forgetting he was still with his girlfriend at that time and she was away for some training in China for a month) So was he just making use of me?

To cut things short, I decided to talk to him bout it and tell him about my true feelings for him. This day is a day I will never forget as his words cut my heart into a million pieces and I felt like I’ve been stabbed a million times. He told me that I was a mistake and things happen at the wrong place wrong time and I’m the wrong person. I am not the girl for him and for him he cannot be sure whether there are feelings when things happened.

Mistake? He definitely don’t learn from his mistake, once or twice understandable but how do you explain the many mistakes that happen between the both of us?! I was totally devastated, for the first time I cried so hard for a guy. For the first time, my heartache so badly that I thought I will die of a heart attack. This guy whom I trust and respected and came to love practically turned my life upside down, made me fall in a pit of love and left me there to climb out of it myself. But, in my heart, I was not angry with him. Instead, I told him that I will not force him for anything and we will just be friends. Though, it hurts so much to say it but I told him that I would not hold on to him because all I wanted was for him is to be happy.

An end to a beautiful friendship, a sad end to a fairy tale love story and the beginning of the many hurts and heartaches…


to be continue......

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